M.I.A only person who reads this. Myself.

I have been M.I.A, not like there's anyone other then myself to realize this. So, sorry self for not blogging. You have been completely irresponsible to yourself, by not writing anything that you can read.. to yourself. Apology accepted.

Any whoooo...

My ADHD has been kicking in high gear and has been focusing or lack there of, on 23487923 projects. One in which was not blogging. So because I have been crazy busy not finishing anything. I was to lazy to blog or come up with anything creative to write about. Due to this I am going to write some of the crap that has been coming out of my kids mouths lately. Because seriously it's making me question their beings and ofcorse my parenting skills.

Oh yeah' I also decided to give my kids some new nicknames for blogging purposes. I think just using the first letter of their names is kind of boring. So I decided to use a word that describes them. My almost 13 year old girl is Drama. My 6 year old girl is Diva and my 2 and a half year old boy is Bubbie. Bubbie doesn't really "describe" my son, it's just something I call him. Not that creative, but it works for me.

Situation: Bubbie and I made a bridge out of building blocks for his trains to go under. He knocked it over and ofcorse I had to fix it. I am assuming I didn't do such a good job because...
Bubbie: Maaa' dats pasbetic. PA-SPED-IC, ma!
(Obviously' my son was calling me pathetic. Lovely!)


Diva: (In a very slow, drawn out sentence) How much wood does a woodchuck chuck?
Me: Well that depends on his productivity level. If she has adhd and has children. And...
Diva: No Mom!!!! It's a tongue titty not a question.
Me: It's a what?!
Diva: A tongue titty! It tits your tongue.
Me: ( Half not breathing) A tongue twister you mean?
Diva: Oh same thing, ma. A twister, a titty. Same thing.
Me: If you say so.


Diva: Mom' if I broke my neck would I become a bobble head?
Me: Uh no. Odds are you'd die. So no breaking your neck to become a bobble head. I think you need new aspirations.


Drama: How do you defrost water? I'm thirsty.
Me: Leave it in the refrigerator. Or maybe just take a bottle of water that's already in the fridge out, and drink that!
Drama: So your saying I can't microwave it?
Me: O.M.G what did you do to ask such a question!?!


Just a FYI, Diva is my own, personal Will Farrell meets Kevin Hart. She really is quite hysterical. She is also a big, confident black woman in a half Cuban/Italian, pint sized body. If you knew her. You'd totally understand what I'm talking about.It's pretty darn funny.

Blizzard watch! Now everyone one panic.

So once again two storms will be colliding right near Long Island. Instead of Sandy- Nemo will be impacting us. If anyone is looking for him especially his dad. Inform him he is not  at  42 Wallaby way in Sydney. He's much further on the east coast of the United States. That boy sure gets around and someone should probably call CPS on Marlin. He's a terrible father!

As usual when there is some warning of a storm everyone and their mom panics. They tend to buy the stupidest shit because they might not come out of it alive- apparently. Shovel, Rock salt, Bread, Peanut butter, a machete, Snow bunker, A nomads map of the United States, Eskimo clothing and a few Husky's for a dog sled. Some of those things are completely ridiculous. Like wtf are you gonna do with peanut butter during a blizzard? Oh wait' maybe it's to teach the Huskey's tricks. Ok never mind, that's a complete asset then.

I will be the first to admit, I am not one for storms. I HATE them. It's actually quite weird. I will get excited about them coming, but when they are here I will hide. No joke! I'm not like this over snow storms. Mainly' big thunder storms or hurricanes. When Sandy was coming I went shopping like we would have no power for a week (Which is exactly what happened). I had a full kitchen drawer dedicated to batteries. I had my Xanax and a few Valium handy just in case I went into full panic mode. Which is not something that is fun to do in front of your kids. Because they point and laugh at you like some freak show. Let's just say the Valium did it's job and then some.

G: Mom' there's a hurricane why are you outside?
Me: Look at all those cops!!! I need pictures!!

 I became one of those crazy meteorologist. It was awesome!!

Either way I am excited about the snow. We finally get to use our snow blower we've had for over a year and have yet to touch. My son can play in REAL snow and I get to build inappropriate things out of snow on my lawn. Fantastic!!! Wish us luck over here! I will post pictures of how fantastic our "blizzard" is when and if it arrives :)

Screw cake pops. Let's give bacon on a stick!

Whose bright idea was it to dip bacon in chocolate? Are we really running out of new ways to become diabetic and have a massive heart attack? The best part of this picture is that the person who came up with this fuck of a treat, decided to add sprinkles. Because chocolate covered bacon alone wasn't tempting enough. 

Since this is going to be the next trend. I call dibs on making the bacon into creative, festive things. Sorry Cake pops, you're a thing of the past. I'm going to be making fancy bacon sticks from now on.

Can't think of what to give your kid's teachers for Christmas (Or in or politically correct world "Holidays"). How about ex lax on a stick? Genius!

Here's some decorative ideas for those that want to hop on the Shit stick band wagon.

- A used band aid. For those special Nurses in your lives.

- A harmonica. How great would it be to watch people attempt to play a bacon harmonica.

- For those bachelorette parties. Penis'. Not only is it sexual, but all those woman who are on their monthly friend will love you forever!

- A court order. "Excuse me are you Anthony Bajoner" "Why yes I am". "Here you go mo-effer, you got served". They will be so confused over your court order-bacon stick that they won't try and strangle you :)

- Money. For those times you go to Target just to buy two items, but then fill your cart to it's brim with non essentials. Oh you don't have the money to pay for it. It's ok bring some bacon sticks as payment.


There are so many more ideas I have, but I'm in the process of copy writing those bad boys ;)

P.S - Still would love how someone came up with this idea lol